it’s that time of year again where people expect you to be kind you know what kind of world we’re living in that’s asking way too much you’ll find but I am here and happy by myself I don’t need to hear back from anyone else but you, my love, you keep me warm oh you, my love, you keep me warm let’s go to the store and pick some things and burn a hole in your bank account with inflation, karens, anti-vaxxers you’d be better off just walking out now you’ve reached the aisle with the toys- which is weird cause we’re all adults make sure you aren’t looking like a creep or else you will get your ass kicked right out but I am happy here outside that store I don’t need to get me any more than you, my love, you keep me warm now bring those toys your cleared your savings on and wrap them up in more layers don’t put too much time and effort in ‘cause they’ll get violently shredded while you sit and stare now go clean that shit up off the floor ain’t that coolest thing you’ve done? half the point of this time’s to clean up so get on your knees, pal and grab your old shamwow but I am here and spick and span, it’s true I wouldn’t shower for anyone now but you, my love, you keep me warm oh you, my love, you keep me warm. so fill your stockings up with love my friend if you aren’t content with my thinking hope they’re happy now with what you got else you’ll be there mad and stinking don’t you think that I’m against the joy that this time of year brings to each just show you love them in a way that counts and i will approve it for you personally and I’ll celebrate in ways that won’t annoy I have no one else left to disappoint but you, my love, you keep me warm. oh you, my love, you keep me warm.

Mom: Honey, the mailman came! Dad: ah, would you get the mail please? Mom: There's three letters to you! Dad: let’s check it out then - Dad: ah, what do we got here, bills, bills, bills... oh, this must be my royalty check from ‘The Twelve Pains of Christmas’! Mom: Dad, that doesn’t say Atlantic Recording Corporation, that says Electric Light and Power. Dad: uh, okay, then let’s open this up then- WHAT? A bill for THREE MILLION DOLLARS? What are we going to do- I can’t pay that! Why did they bill ME directly? Mom: Well, honey, when you rang up the lights in that song 46 times, did you remember to take them down and turn them off? Dad: No, ah- god dammit! I didn’t- how many years ago was that song released? I’m surprised it's that low honestly! Jeez, what are we gonna do? We can’t afford to buy presents for Christmas! Mom: Well, I’m sure there’s something we could do! Dad: No! Christmas is cancelled, what are we going to do? Mom: We’ll sell the children! Dad: We’ll go on food stamps! Mom: We’ll file for bankruptcy! Both: Christmas is ruined. :(

Cameron Jirowetz - which is me in the third person- presents to you: WAR ON CHRISTMAS! The year is the future. The world as we know it has been shaped by forces creeping among your numbers right now, as you listen to this. They could be someone you know! They could be singing a song about Christmas! That person could be you! I’m taking you forcefully back to the small town North Cranston, where, on a day like today, all should normally be merry and bright. SCENE ONE - A HOME IN NORTH CRANSTON a television is playing a Mondo National News Broadcast. News Anchor: Mondo National News- today marks the thirty-third annual celebration of our Royal President Carlson’s continued successful term in office. The event broadcast will air today at 0300 hours and will be simulcast to all televisions and applicable sub-dermal Bluetooth nanochip receivers. This has been a Mondo National News Update for December 20th, two thousand and- Television Announcer: We’ll take you back to your regularly scheduled programming, Louis Armstrong fills an entire television slot saying “yeah baby”. Armstrong: YEAH BABY! YYYYEAH BABY, YEEAAAH BABY YEAH BABY! the television cuts Armstrong off and shuts off. Soccer Mom: gather round kids! (sounds of feet shuffling into place as the mom gets her composure up.) Soccer Mom: Kids, (cinematic, sad synth pad enters here) your father won’t be able to make it here this Christmas. (gasps from the children ensue) He’s busy making the trip out to the big court to meet up with debt counselors and file for chapter 7 bankruptcy. See, my little angels, your father, spent *all* of our money ringing up the lights in a popular song parody a few years ago, and now, because we’re poor, Santa won’t be able to stop at our house this year. Kid 1: Christmas is ruined! Kid 2: what will we do without a father figure, Soccer Mom? What will happen to our perfect Norman Rockwell family? Soccer Mom: Now now, children. It’s alright. To make it up to you, I’ve brought in a special guest all the way from rural Connecticut! Ladies and gentleman, Cameron Jirowetz! Television Announcer: our programming was shot in front of a live studio audience in sunny Los Angeles! Cameron: Hey gang! It was sure hot out there on the way in, my skin feels like it’s crawling! Soccer Mom: oh, did you wear your galvanized heat suit? please tell me you- Cameron: What's that for? Soccer Mom: (sighs) let me grab the melanoma cream, you’ve got a few minutes before you might want to use it. Cameron: Alright, that’s fair enough. I don’t usually take handouts but I just can’t resist your beautiful eyes. (a crime against humanity is then committed) Soccer Mom: MY EYES! GIVE THEM BACK! I’M BLIND! (mother gets up and frantically runs around screaming in the background) (laugh track) Kid 1: Mommy, what did that strange man just do to you? Kid 2: I want daddy back for Christmas! Cameron: You want your dad back for Christmas? I’ll see what I can do about that, what does he look like? Soccer Mom: Looking at this diagram, (taps picture with ruler) you can see he has all the major qualities a humanoid father would have. He has a trachea, a thorax, and a receding hairline. Cameron: What a stunner! Alright, I guess I have no choice but to save Christmas for your family. Otherwise the song would end right now. Soccer Mom: Thank you so much! How can we ever repay you? Cameron: (scratching sounds can be heard) uh, can you hand me that melanoma cream? Soccer Mom: take that and apply it before you get into your galvanized heat suit. It'll help lube up the way in. and by the way, Cameron, watch out for the robots.. Narrator: Later that day... SCENE TWO- NORTH CRANSTON SQUARE scene cuts to outside. the distant sound of a parade and celebration can be heard. Cameron: This looks like the town square, I'd assume the tax collector’s office would be somewhere here. footsteps walk closer to the parade and eventually stop near a homeless man on the side of the road. the parade song and marching continues in the background Homeless man: spare change! spare wallets! spare IDs! Cameron: Hey, will you take a penny for my thoughts? Homeless man: sure! I’m making a killing selling these wallets ‘n shit, I'll take anything to add to the stock! Cameron: Do you have any idea where the court is around here? Homeless man: you mean the Carlson Tithing Complex? sure! It’s on the other side of town! The marching song fades into robotic beeping as the marching continues. Cameron: Woah, what are those? Homeless man: are you new ‘round here? judging on your skin, you must be an immigrant from a poor European country- those are the Republican Law Enforcement Robots, designed specifically to help keep our nation clean and pure! Cameron: Why would America of all places need those? Homeless man: you see son, back in my day, when Tucker Carlson was first elected president, he made his main goal in office to end one of the country’s biggest battles, the War on Christmas. Homeless Man: when efforts on the war began, other less important issues like crime and climate change took a back seat. Now we’re living in a free society, where you can say anything as long as it’s not against the administration! (a parade marshal shouts ‘RIGHT! RIGHT! RIGHT RIGHT RIGHT!) Cameron: Why are they all hopping on one leg? why won’t the marshal say Le- Homeless Man: QUIET! Do you want to get us killed? If you say the ‘L word’, the Arlors will think you’re one of ‘them’ and vaporize you into E-Liquid to bottle and sell to smoke shops! Cameron: I don’t feel comfortable here anymore. and shouldn’t you be wearing your Galvanized Heat Suit? Homeless Man: eh, I only have about 10 minutes left to live anyways. That’s all the thoughts a penny will provide you in today’s economy. Buy an ID or be on your way! Cameron: alright. you said it was which way? Homeless Man: yes, Witch Way! Now, off with you before you make me die young! SCENE THREE- NORTH CRANSTON SHOE STORE (a bell dings as a door opens.) Cameron: Excuse me, sir, you got any idea where the Carlson Tithe Complex is? Janitor Deano: Of course, it’s down Witch Way across town. You interested in buying any of North Cranston’s finest Shoes? Cameron: Not right now, man. I gotta help this lady’s family and all- Janitor Deano: ah, tough crowd. Say, you look familiar. Were- were you the little girl who left me to incinerate back at the school house a few songs ago? Cameron: gasps softly, voice breaking, It couldn’t be.. Janitor Deano, oh my god, I’m so sorry, I- I didn’t- Janitor Deano: angrily, I finally found you, Bitch! How was your “birdwatching”, huh? I saw you up on the mountain dancing with that chick’s puppets, I know you weren’t fucking birdwatching! Cameron: listen, Janitor Deano, (sad, emotional synth pad plays) listen- Janitor Deano: No, you fucking listen! and you listen good, okay? (voice getting shaky) I spent five minutes in that incinerator, man? Do you know what that does to a guy? I had to get so many skin grafts, they ran out of donors my race! I look like a fucking quilt, man! Cameron: I’m sorry, Janitor Deano, I mean, it could be worse... right? Did you press charges against the school? Janitor Deano: you bet your frosted ass, cupcake. And I got a big check too. I bought a slingshot, and launched a few rocks through my neighbor’s picture window. Cameron: What happened to Rhinestone? Janitor Deano: Well, after I complained, she was barred from teaching and ironically sentenced to thirty years in the Federal Incinerator for child endangerment. (Distant sounds of robotic beeps get closer and closer...) Janitor Deano: uh oh, here we go, act natural. The Shop door opens, and in walks a Republican Law Enforcement Robot. Janitor Deano: christmas christmas christmas, christmas, christmas. RLER: AFFIRMATIVE, YES. AND MY MOTHER IS DOING BETTER, THANK YOU FOR ASKING. YOU PASS CARLSON DAILY VIBE INSPECTION NUMBER TWO-THREE-OH-SIX-FIVE-TWO. GOOD DAY. RLER walks out and closes the door. Both sigh in relief. Janitor Deano: God, I hate those Arlor Inspections. Cameron: Why do you have to say Christmas nonstop around them? Janitor Deano: if you say anything that isn’t the word Christmas, they’ll assume you’re a democrat and lock you up for terroristic threats! God, you’d be a war criminal! Listen kid, while normally I’d love to help you, you’re on your own for this song. I’m still pissed off at you. Maybe next time. SCENE FOUR - THE COMPLEX Cameron: (ruffles atlas) Well, according to this atlas I had the whole time, this is Witch Way. And that looks to be the Tithe Complex there! I’m still at the shoe store, so let’s teleport outside the main entrance of the Complex. Cameron Teleports outside the main entrance, which is bustling with other dads. Cameron: God the line to get in is long. Shit, I never got the Dad’s name, I guess I’m gonna have to make a scene. (takes deep breath) Any of you like to grill and play golf? (Every dad in the line starts applauding their key buzzwords) Cameron: (turns to audience) *I know you can’t see what’s going on but a few of them turned their heads, this just might work.* Cameron: Any of you gents have a nice trachea? Alright we got three of ya; alright, out of those three, who has a stunning thorax? Dad: (mumbling in crowd) hmm, that’s me! Cameron: Alright, that narrows it down to two. You two come over here with me. I have one question to ask you, and it will determine the fate of things much larger than myself. Which one of you has a five-head friar Lawrence comb-over mullet with a receding hairline? (Dad rings buzzer) Dad: That’s me buddy! Announcer: Congratulations Dad! You have been selected to win a prize consisting of the next part of this skit! Take it away Cameron! Cameron: Listen, Dad, (dramatic, emotional synth pad plays in the background) your family needs you right now. Look at this Polaroid I took of Soccer Mom. Dad: God, what have you done with her! She’s in a pool of blood with her eyes ripped out! What the hell have you done to my wife! Cameron: Dad, focus on what’s important. Spending Christmas time with your family. Dad: I don’t know who you are or what you’ve done to my family, but please tell me you didn’t do anything to my children. They’re all I have now. Cameron: Looks like you’ll just have to go home and see for yourself. Dad: God, oh dear lord, fine! You’ve convinced me! I’m leaving this line! SCENE FIVE - SMALL HOUSE IN NORTH CRANSTON Narrator: On Christmas Day... Dad: (opens door) Kids! Honey! I’m home for christmas! (Audience Cheers) I’ve brought presents for you! Soccer Mom: Oh Dad, you didn’t! But what about our money? Dad: Don’t worry about it. Once the song ends we won’t have to worry about anything. Mom: You don't gotta tell me twice! Let's open the presents, man! (Presents rustling and opening) Kid 1: I got a banana peel! Kid 2: and I got a used toothpick! Soccer Mom: and I got a ball of tinfoil shaped like my missing molar crown! Thank you honey, you’re too kind! Dad: Don’t thank me for this bountiful Christmas harvest Soccer Mom- Mom: Then who? Dad: Thank our good Lord-President Tucker Carlson for creating an environment where us families can celebrate Christmas how it was meant to be! All: (In unison) Thank you, Tucker! For you Americans listening- and I know you are- Auld Lang Syne translates from Scots as “good old times” or literally, “old long since”. Popularized by poet Robert Burns in 1788, the traditional tune is typically sung on new year’s eve to send off the previous year, as we slip closer and closer to this track’s current setting.

communication is all that you see in my head moving around all inside and beyond what you’ve read thinking of futures in which I’m no longer alive feeling the warmth of you hand as it leaves to deprive wait! come back here and talk to me we will improve a degree please politely disagree will you guarantee? don’t let the man with the bomb on the roof come inside he says he’s got gifts for you oh but you know that’s a lie lock all your doors, call the cops and wait for them come hide in the dark and when they’re here you’ll know what you’ve done wait! come back here and talk to me we will improve a degree please politely disagree use communication Z insinuation of themes is a waste of your time I'm choosing my words carefully all while making them rhyme you’re misusing your life here with me although no one asked it’s fun to talk to you even if it’s me from the past wait! come back here and talk to me we will improve a degree please politely disagree and use communication Z

All around the missile tree people come from far and wide to light their fuses by the night with their bombs a-glowin bright and they throw them in the air going upward to declare they are free well the bombs they come a-droppin’ from their height in the air prior and they fall onto the tree, which starts to slowly catch on fire and the people run away; combustion, blasts and disarray would ensue all around the missile tree firefighters quell the blaze which sends up plumes smoke filling the sky with purple haze which descends upon the town lifting up and raining down as snow when the fire’s done a-cookin’ the fire marshal sighs relief the day is saved here once again for his good community and he goes to sit on down unknowingly on TNT left behind All around the Missile Tree light your bombs and throw them all around the missile tree you are free and golden all around the missile tree you are now emboldened all around the missile tree the weight is off your soul then all around the missile tree children’s dreams- they all come true their wants are simple now, so get your act together, you happiness and peace on earth it’s attainable you see in time when you come up here to talk you can see the world below our blue marble there is bust but the tree, it doesn’t know it stands there watching overhead branches swaying in the breeze alone all around the missile tree friends blow up what they have got there’s no time like here today so leave him behind and stay underneath the golden tree and there’s nothing in his eyes as he leaves if you stay there long enough chances are that you will find fuses growing from the ground don’t you stop to look around just pull it out with all your might throw that bomb into the air for me